The SEX Talk
by gawilliams
Summary: A part of the Deep Regrets universe. What would happen is Booth suddenly finds out he has to discuss the Birds and the Bees with Parker a lot sooner than he thought he would.  Here's a humorous B/B look at this. Will have two chapters.
1. Chapter 1

_This one was suggested during a conversation with my good friend Nyre The Black Rose based on a small aside in the recent story I did called_ Everyone Needs A Friend_. Most stories in my _Deep Regrets_ storyline will be serious, and warm, but I want to also add some humorous stories, too, and this seemed like a great opportunity. This will have two parts. I hope you enjoy it. Gregg._

_Disclaimer: I don't own, or profit from, these characters or franchise. No copyright infringement is intended._

Bones was enjoying this particular ride in the SUV. It wasn't the FBI issue vehicle that Booth still had, but the SUV that she had bought him a couple of months before as a birthday present. As they no longer worked cases for the FBI, he because he was high up in the hierarchy now, and her because she wouldn't work cases with anyone but him, she didn't often ride in the issue vehicle. This one was a good one, though, and they'd had their fair share of moments in it, too, in the short time they'd had it. At the moment Booth was about to tear his hair out as he talked with Rebecca.

"Where the Hell did he get one of those!" Booth practically came unglued. He listened for a moment and then spoke again. "Well that's one punk he won't be around ever again!"

Bones just chuckled, which earned her a glare. Parker was 12 years old now and Rebecca had caught him looking at a _Playboy_ in his room. Now she was telling Booth that as his Father, _**he**_ was the one who was going to talk to his son about sex. As expected, Booth was not taking it too well.

"The boy doesn't even have armpit hair yet!" Booth squawked in a near pout. "Besides, you're his Mother, as you keep reminding me every possible second, so _**you**_ should take on something like this. You found him with the damn thing, after all!"

Bones took the phone from Booth, who suddenly looked even more panicked. "Rebecca? It's Tempé. Booth will discuss the subject this weekend when we have Parker," Bones told her stepson's Mom. Rebecca had become a good friend since she and Booth had gotten together, so this was no problem in her opinion. She listened as Rebecca thanked her. "It's no problem, Rebecca," she told Parker's Mom. "I'll make sure that Booth does his part, and does it well. It should be rather entertaining," she added as she said goodbye and put the cell phone in the charger.

"Thanks for the support there, Bones," Booth said in a voice dripping with sarcasm. His hands clenched on the steering wheel. He had been dreading this for the last couple of years, and had told himself that the same standard he applied for Parker discussing and seeing dead bodies should apply here. No armpit hair, no talk about the birds and the bees. Last he'd seen Parker had no armpit hair to speak of. Thus there should be_** no**_ talk about sex on the horizon. Unfortunately armpit hair wasn't a good enough benchmark for Bones.

"He is at the age where an informative discussion about sex is needed, Booth," Bones told him.

"Now you see, Bones, it's that word _**informative**_ that has me worried," Booth debated. "I am too young to become a grandfather, and I don't want Parker to get the idea that now that he'll have some info on that particular subject that it's okay to go out and get some _**field**_ experience."

"_**I**_ could talk with him if you'd prefer," Bones offered, knowing what the reaction to that one would be.

"Absolutely not," Booth shot that idea down without a moments hesitation. "I want a moral foundation for my son, Bones, not some anthropological gobbledygook."

"That _**anthropological gobbledygook**_, as you so eloquently put it, has given you the best sex you've ever had from the time we began our romantic relationship," Bones countered, loving the banter.

"And Parker can find his own squint for that when he's, oh, say thirty," Booth said firmly, not really caring how ridiculous it sounded.

"You know that statistically it is highly probable that he will lose his virginity within the second or third year of high school," Bones pointed out. She was now just trying to goad some reactions out of Booth. She loved seeing him all flustered. She didn't bother to point out that he would be in the same position once more when their one year old daughter reached Parker's age. She wanted to see Booth get flustered, not have a stroke.

"I will pretend I did not hear that, Bones," Booth said as he placed himself firmly in denial. It was such a safe, loving place in his opinion.

"Or perhaps even earlier," Bones added, a small smirk on her lips. She knew that the subject of sex would always be one that they disagreed about to some extent, and she appreciated the fact that he had a sense of proper boundaries, but she had much broader boundaries than he did when the subject of premarital sex came up, despite his not being the proverbial "Choir Boy" on the subject. She was personally thankful she was the beneficiary of those non-choir boy background experiences. He was also the beneficiary of hers, so it was an even tradeoff in her opinion.

"Bones, if I become a grandfather before I'm fifty I will blame you, you know," he told her as they pulled into the long drive to their mansion. He couldn't call it anything other than a mansion, and even though he knew now fully why Bones had wanted to get it, he was still a tad uncomfortable about it.

"Ooh, will you _**spank**_ me, _**Boothy**_?" she teased as she got out of the vehicle and walked to the front door.

"Don't tempt me," Booth muttered under his breath as he followed her gently swaying ass, already making plans for that night. Daddy was definitely going to get some!

_**Later That Night**_

Bones walked into their bedroom that night carrying a small box in her hands. She found Booth sitting on the bed in nothing but his boxers and she licked her lips in appreciation. He was always the perfect mood setter in her opinion with his perfectly symmetrical male body. She chuckled as she saw him reading a manual that he'd bought when he went out after dinner. _The TALK For Dummies_.

"You can put the book away, Booth," she told him as she sat on the bed and set the box down in front of her.

"Bones, I'm having a hard enough time fathoming how this_** nightmare**_ came about, let alone be ready for it," Booth argued. "I **_will_** be ready, so don't criticize my reading material."

"That's why I brought you this to help you prepare," Bones told him, an evil grin on her face.

Booth, of course, noted the grin and mentally groaned. This couldn't be good. "I'm almost afraid to ask, but what's in the box?" he bowed to the inevitable.

"First, I have some very informative pamphlets about the human body and sexual development," she told him as she handed over the pamphlets. She pointed to one. "I recommend studying up on that one, Booth," she said with a straight face.

He looked down and groaned. "Bones, I'm already an expert on the female anatomy," he groused. "I should think that the little demonstration I offered last night, and again this morning, should be proof enough of that."

"We're talking about your son's font of information, Booth," she patiently pointed out. "You could use some brushing up on the subject."

Booth mentally counted to ten and dismissed the teasing jibe. The last thing he wanted was an argument with Bones when she was only giving him shit. He'd save the arguing for something serious. Then his eyes widened as she pulled out the next goodie.

"What the Hell is that!" he exclaimed, not sure he was seeing things clearly.

"It's a vibrator, Booth," Bones said calmly, though she was enjoying his discomfort. Booth's eyes were bulging, and he was looking a bit pale. The audible gulp when she said the word _**vibrator**_, with a sexy emphasis, was hysterical.

"I am not showing my son sex toys, Bones!" Booth blanched. No way was he going to have visual aids!

"It's to show him how to properly use these," Bones explained as she pulled out a small box of condoms.

"Hell no!" Booth all but shouted, a horrified look on his face. "Were you not paying attention when I said I do not want to be a grandfather before I'm fifty, Bones?"

"But these are special, custom made condoms," Bones chuckled as she opened one and unrolled it over the vibrator. "Turn off the lights."

Booth groaned as he did as she asked, knowing he wouldn't be able to avoid it. He instantly saw what she meant about custom made, and if it wasn't for the fact that they were talking about his son's sex education he would have been laughing his ass off. Right there in front of him was a glow in the dark condom, the glowing image was of a human skeleton! Imagine that? A boner, with bones, inside of Bones! It was classic!

"I am not showing my son these," Booth declared. "But make sure you keep some. I think I may want to try those."

"You see, Booth, you keep showing that you're not a prude," she remarked, a smile on her face as she turned on the lights. "Now you just need to show your son you're not a prude."

"As far as my son is concerned, I'm as pure as the driven snow, Bones," Booth defended himself righteously.

"Somehow I doubt that assessment," Bones chuckled as she got some more stuff out of the box.

Messing with Booth mental and emotional equilibrium was fun!

Booth just groaned as he settled back, knowing he'd be enduring a lot more torture, courtesy of Bones and her box of goodies, before he was able to get back to some serious reading.

_**The Next Morning, Booth's Office**_

Booth took another pull at the Pepto bottle that he had on his desk, trying to fight back the rather nauseous feelings he had at that moment. Bones final contribution to his horror was a full color DVD of an actual human birth. Talk about hideous! He shuddered as another wave of nausea hit. He'd been away when Parker was born, so he'd missed the big show then, and when Bones gave birth to their daughter, she'd been two weeks premature and he'd been on a set of training exercises and unable to get away. She was still grousing that he'd done it on purpose. But after the horrifying show last night on the massive 72" plasma screen television in the sports/man cave that was his baby in the mansion, he'd made a mental note to make damn sure that if Bones ever got pregnant again, he would be signing up for all training exercises scheduled for the final month and a half of pregnancy. On the sly of course as Bones would castrate him if she was purposely left with Hodgins again to help her through the labor as her coach. As it was when Bones tried to put the moves on him Junior was still too grossed out to offer a salute. At the moment it was 50/50 at best if tonight would be any better.

"_**Studly!**_" Angela's over excited voice filled his office. "So I hear Parker's becoming a man this weekend!"

Booth could now add massive headache to the list of dire symptoms he had going on. "My son is _**NOT**_ becoming a man this weekend!" he ground out through clenched teeth.

"You mean you're backing out on having _**THE**_** TALK** with him?" Angela teased. She'd laughed her ass off when Bren told her what she'd subjected Booth to the evening before. Bren had also managed to take a quick, surreptitious picture of Booth's expression when he saw a woman giving birth. She'd said the photo was taken the moment Booth saw the baby pop out, the birth fluids gushing in full color. Maybe not in those exact words, but Angela didn't mind adding a bit of descriptive flair to the story. Angela had laughed so hard she'd almost hyperventilated.

"_**NO!**_" Booth said indignantly. He was definitely going to have a talk with Bones about a little subject he enjoyed living by called privacy. That was an area she needed some serious work on.

"So you are going to sit him down and give him the green light for a little field experience," Angela teased, having loved that particular phrase that Bren had clued her in on from Booth's near stroke the day before.

Hell No!" Booth nearly had a coronary. "I am going to sit the boy down, give him the basic info on the facts of life, and let him know that having something Daddy can't even have is a major no no."

"You can't have sex?" Angela asked, feigning innocence. "Bren didn't mention you were having some plumbing issues, Booth. Have you seen a doctor? Or maybe Sweets could be of help."

"I do not have any _**plumbing**_ issues!" he did shout now. He thanked God that Angela had shut the door when she entered his work sanctum. "And I can damn well guarantee that the last person on Earth I would discuss any troubles in _**that**_ area with would be Sweets!"

"Well then if it isn't performance that's the issue, what is?" Angela asked, trying to keep in the laughter.

"Porn!" Booth ground out. "The boy got caught with porn. Bones got rid of my stash when we began our relationship, and she also torched her own supply, minus the toys, of course. My baby boy is too young to be looking at that stuff."

"Sorry to break it to you, Studly, but your son is at the age where sneaking a peak at a naked lady is the in thing. Porn is the medium of choice unless he really hits a home run," Angela decided to goad him a bit and let Bren enjoy this stallion chomping at the bit when she saw him later.

"If my son, the one who still has no armpit hair, hits the proverbial home run, I will line up the Squint Squad and shoot everyone of you," Booth growled. "The I'll spank Bones for causing me to become a grandfather way to young."

"Even though you're the one giving the dreaded_** TALK**_," Angela tisked. "You have some serious accountability issues Studly. Here's the latest Agent performance reviews that cam prepared. Bye," she said as she left the office before Booth really erupted and turned his office and the entire Hoover Building into a modern day Vesuvius.

Booth counted to one hundred before he picked up his cell phone and punched one on the speed dial. His inner calm was not helping much.

"_Hi_," came the warm, sexy, and thoroughly evil voice he ordinarily loved without measure.

"Bones," he said with a deadly calm. "Tonight we are going to sit down and have a long discussion about the old adage _**Loose Lips Sink Ships**_. I somehow think you've developed a few gaping leaks in that ship of yours."

"_I assume you've seen Angela_," Bones very amused voice came through loud and clear.

"I nearly had a stroke, Bones," he protested.

"_But Boothy_," she purred. "_You're the one telling me I should be more of a people person. Well, I'm just following your advice. Gossiping is a very people person activity_."

"Bones, I will be drawing up a suitable list of gossip topics for you to follow," Booth told her. "For now, could you please not pass on anything that may come back to give me a major stroke?"

"_Fair enough_," she told him. "_I've got to go. I need to attend a meeting of the Board. Oh, I picked up some more video material for you to prepare for your talk with Parker. We can sit down with it tonight in the Man Cave. Bye, Boothy_."

Booth wanted to scream. Instead he counted to one thousand very slowly and then picked up his phone. "Charlie? I'm heading down to the gym to blow off some steam. I'll be back in an hour," he told his assistant. He stood up and picked up his ever present gym bag. The wait until the Pearl Harbor Day, as he was now thinking of his coming talk with Parker, was going to seem like an eternity.

_A/N: There's the humorous setup. I am going to be posting the second chapter, which is the final chapter, containing the dreaded _**TALK**_ tomorrow. I hope you all are enjoying this humorous look into this daunting task all parents go through at some point in time. Gregg._


	2. Chapter 2

_Here's the second chapter to this one. I wanted the first chapter to be a good buildup, and a humorous one, to this, the dreaded _**TALK**_. This one is humorous, too, as I wanted to have some fun with the characters. Once again, I must thank my good friend _Nyre The Black Rose_ for the discussion of this one the other evening which gave me many of the idea elements in this. I hope you enjoy it. Gregg._

_Disclaimer: I don't own, or profit from, these characters or franchise. No copyright infringement is intended._

_**Saturday Morning, Booth's Man Cave**_

Booth was busy preparing his domain for the upcoming chat with Parker. Looking carefully he went through his checklist one last time. Pamphlets? Check. Bible? Check. He'd need some divine help on this one he felt, so having the Good Book around was a must. Chips? Check. Dip? Check. Pop? Check. It would help to ease the tension a bit, so some judicious snacks were in order. Barf bags? Check. He didn't trust Bones not to do something evil like putting in that horrid birth DVD and have it programmed to come on while he and Parker were getting down to brass tacks. He was still swilling Pepto like water after that experience. List of things to cover? Check. Contract for Parker to sign? Check. Parker was honest and loyal to a fault, so a little contract pledging celibacy for life might be slipped in under the radar if Booth was lucky. Alright! Booth was ready to rock and roll!

_**Bones' Mercedes**_

"I'm in trouble, aren't I Bones?" Parker asked as Bones drove him to her and Dad's house. Ordinarily he loved going over there. It had everything! And Dad's sports room was the Bomb!

Bones chuckled. "No, Parker, but your Dad does want to have a talk with you," she told her stepson.

"That's what Mom said," Parker replied.

"Did you get punished harshly for having that magazine?" Bones asked. She herself was not terribly concerned about it, as it was a common thing nowadays, and she did not feel that it was such a bad thing for someone, even someone at Parker's age, to be able to appreciate tasteful nude images, and she considered Playboy to be tasteful. In a lot of ways the images in that magazine were similar to many nudes you would see in some of the more historical museums in the world.

"I'm grounded for a month," Parker admitted.

"It'll pass quickly," she assured him as she drove through the Gate and up the drive to the house.

"I hope so," Parker moped a bit.

"You're Dad's downstairs in his _**Man Cave**_," she told him, giving a decent bit of sarcasm on the term Man Cave. "I'll be down in a few minutes."

"Thanks, Bones," Parker said as he got out of the car, grabbed his bag, and went into the house.

_**Booth's Man Cave**_

Booth had hugged his son when the boy came down, and he had to admit he would never tire of seeing Parker. Just after he told him to sit down, he noticed Bones coming down and taking a seat on the other side of the room and opening a somewhat large book. He rushed right over.

"Bones?" he said in a hiss. "What the hell are you doing down here?"

"I came down to listen and make sure you do this right and not scare Parker away from the female sex," Bones replied.

"My boy is not, and will not be, afraid of the female gender!" Booth defended himself.

"And I will be here to make sure of that," Bones smiled wickedly. She had no intention of causing any problems for Booth, as this talk was important, no matter how much amusement she'd gotten out of it this past week.

"Bones, I'm begging you," Booth pleaded, knowing he'd lost the argument already about her being down here. "Please don't ruin this for me. I'm ready, honest!"

"I know, Booth," she assured him. She'd rarely seen him prepare so seriously for something non-work related and was proud of him.

"Okay," he grudgingly acceded. "But not a peep!"

Booth plastered a smile on his face and walked back over to Parker, who was chowing down on some chips. He sat down and grabbed himself a soda.

"Okay, Bud, I need to talk to you about sex," Booth said, his voice calm and steady, even though he was anything but calm on the inside.

"Okay," Parker said, putting down the chips. He looked over at his Dad. "I gotta question."

"Shoot," Booth said as he began taking a long sip of soda.

"What's fellatio?" Parker asked, deadly serious.

Booth spewed a whole mouthful of soda all over his custom made, Pittsburgh Steelers coffee table, ruining the chips and dip in the process. "What!" he managed to roar, though it sounded kind of squeaky to his own ears. He then spluttered into a major coughing fit.

"What's fellatio?" Parker asked again. "The last time I was at the Lab I heard Angela talking to Jack and she said something about owing him fellatio. She sounded weird, so I just thought it had something to do with sex."

"BONES!" Booth bellowed, then coughed again.

"Yes, Booth?" Bones asked as she approached, trying very hard not to laugh her ass off. She actually felt sorry for Booth, but even he had to admit that Parker's question was a legitimate one, and it hadn't been asked in a personal way.

"I need a small bit of air," he told her. "You're at the plate, Bones, just remember, I don't want grandkids before I'm fifty." He then made tracks out of there before he started to hyperventilate. He instantly went to his office and shut the door.

"Did I do something wrong, Bones?" Parker asked, very confused now. He'd only asked a question, after all.

"No, Parker," she assured him. "But you do need to know some things about sex. How about I explain some things and then we'll see about answering some of your questions, as long as they are in general, and not personal?"

"Okay," he shrugged. He took a sip of his soda and paid attention as Bones began to explain about the human body and procreation.

_**Booth's Home Office**_

Booth slammed the door to his office and went to his desk, pulling out his personal cell phone. He punched in a number and waited until someone answered.

"_How goes it, Studly?_" Angela came on the line.

"_Hey, Booth_," Hodgins said at the same time, so Booth knew that they were on the speaker phone.

"I am going to rip your balls off, Hodgins!" Booth said explosively.

"_What-?_"

"_Listen, Studly, if anyone is going to have anything to do with my Hodgie's balls, even if it's crushing them like walnuts, it's going to be me_," Angela said haughtily.

"_Ange, you are no longer allowed anywhere near the Boys_," Hodgins said in a squeaky voice. Even Booth cringed a bit at that mental image.

"Zip it, Mr. and Mrs. Screw Like There's No Tomorrow," Booth shouted them down. "Do you know what my son, my son who _**still**_ has no armpit hair, asked me just a moment ago?"

"_Uh, no_," they both said in unison.

"I said we had to talk about sex and the boy right away asked me what fellatio is!" Booth shouted, thanking God his office was virtually soundproof. It made little office fantasies with Bones much easier.

"_Way to go Parker_," Hodgins said.

"_Getting right to the good stuff, huh, Studly?_" Angela chimed in with her two cents worth.

"Listen you two little home wreckers," Booth pounced. "He got that word from the two of you. Not out of a magazine, or one of his perverted friends, but you two. He heard you telling Loverboy that you owed him some of that as he was walking by at the Lab. So who do you think I'm holding responsible for the fact that instead of from me, my boy with no armpit hair is getting his sex lecture from Bones?"

"_I still don't see what the problem is_," Hodgins remarked.

"_Bren will do a good job, Booth_," Angela said calmly. She really did feel bad about this one as she would never do anything to cause problems for Parker, especially on a subject as important as this, no matter how much fun that they'd all had at Booth's expense this past week.

"Why does my Little Man have to grow up so damn quick?" Booth groaned. That was his real problem, and why he had left Bones down there with Parker.

"_They all do_," Angela told him. "_Now get down there and be there while he learns the facts of life. I think he'd appreciate that_."

"_Sorry about this, Man,_" Hodgins apologized. "_We'll try to be more aware of when the Little Guy is around_."

"Thank you, but that still doesn't get you off the hook," Booth said as he snapped his cell phone shut. Taking a deep breath, he slowly made his way back downstairs.

_**The Man Cave**_

__It hadn't taken her long to go over the basics and then answer Parker's questions, including the one about fellatio, though without any real detail. Now Bones was letting Parker watch a live birth from the DVD on the big screen. That was when Booth walked back in and promptly hurled in the strategically placed barf bag. Once the film was over, she looked at her two men and raised a brow.

"Does that satisfy you're curiosity, Parker?" she asked.

"That was cool, Bones," Parker said from his seat. "Can we watch it again? The baby was cute!"

"No," Booth managed to strangle out as he made a mental note to stock up on the Pepto. He was going to be needing it for a week or more at this rate.

"I'll burn a copy and send it to your Mother," Bones promised. "Do you have any questions for your Father?"

"No, I think I get it," Parker told her honestly. "Sorry I freaked you out, Dad," he apologized to his Dad.

"No," Booth put his hand on his son's shoulder. "I was really ready for today, Little Man. Your question just told me that you're a lot older than I care to admit sometimes. I'm the one who should be sorry. It was my job to talk to you, not Bones. But I promise, if you ever need to, I'm here for anything you want to talk about. Even this stuff."

"Thanks, Dad," Parker said with a smile.

"But we are going to talk tonight before you go to bed about that magazine you got caught with," Booth told his son, a serious look on his face as he said it.

"I know," Parker said, looking sheepish. "Bones let me know a bit about why I shouldn't have something like that, but she also said you would want to talk to me, too."

"Go on and get your trunks on, Little Man," Booth told him. "I want to talk to Bones for a minute and then we can all go swimming. Cam should be bringing your little sister back in a while, too."

They watched Parker take off up the stairs and then they were alone.

"As much as I hate to admit it, Bones, you did a good job," Booth told her as he pulled her next to him on the couch and let her lean into him.

"I looked over your notes and I have to say I'm impressed, Booth," she told him warmly. "I followed your outline, and while I added more detail that you would probably like..."

"Undoubtedly," Booth muttered good humoredly, which earned him a playful slap on the chest.

"You're talk would have been just as good," she told him. "But really, Booth. A lifetime celibacy contract?"

"Well," he drawled. "I thought I could slip it in and guarantee me to get through at least the next decade without grandkids."

"He'll be fine, Booth," Bones told him firmly, but with a great deal of affection and genuine love in it. "I wouldn't expect anything else from your son. He has you as his role model."

"Thanks, Bones," he replied, kissing her on the forehead.

"Oh, and Booth?" she said as she walked over to the staircase.

"Yeah?" he said as he stood up.

"When you're daughter needs to be given the _**TALK**_, it's your turn to give it," she said as she rushed up the stairs, avoiding the pillow thrown in her direction.

"That settles it," Booth muttered as he made his way up the stairs. "My daughter is entering the convent the second she enters puberty." No more nightmare, _**TALK**_ filled weeks for him.

_A/N: I hope you all enjoyed this one. I wrote it more from the extreme, humorous focus on Booth and Bones as opposed the the actual talk itself, but I think this one captures it well, even if on the extreme as I said. Gregg._


End file.
